


I Will Help You Swim

by moonyschocolatefrog



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Background Jily, Background Wolfstar, Child Abuse, Gaslighting, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, i got sad thinking about reggie, im probably crying, literally just me venting, random thougts, reg loves plants because yes, regulus x cave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29812911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonyschocolatefrog/pseuds/moonyschocolatefrog
Summary: This is honestly just me venting about Regulus. It's a way for me to get my feelings out, and if anyone along the way reads it, that's great! It's just a bunch of snapshots from Reg's life, mostly pertaining to his relationship with Sirius. Not sure how long it's going to be, but it should be fun. The lyrics of Twin Sized Mattress prompted me to write this, because it literally is Reg and Sirius. Hence, the title! Ok bye, on the off chance you're stumbling across this, happy reading.also- want to make it clear I am revolted by JKR’s disgusting transphobic views. If you are trans, you are so valid and I love you.
Relationships: Orion Black & Regulus Black, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black & Walburga Black, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 20





	1. the beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief CW for child abuse- not graphic, brief mention. This fic will have the general Black family unpleasantness, but I’ll always put CW and TW.

_  
Before you cross the street  
Take my hand  
Life is what happens to you  
While you're busy making other plans._

Mother and Father were screaming at Sirius again in Orion’s office room. Not an uncommon occurrence, but nonetheless frightening for six year old Regulus. He supposed it must have been Sirius being naughty again, although he couldn’t picture what Sirius would have done to incur the wrath of Walburga and Orion. 

His parents loved Sirius and Regulus. Loved them so much, they needed to be hard on them sometimes, they said. A loud crack sounded through Regulus’ little room, and he started a bit from the noise. Probably Kreacher dropping a pan making dinner. Regulus’ little brain couldn’t quite register the fact that the sound had come from the floor he was on, near his father’s office, and not the downstairs kitchen. Regulus turned back to the gobstones he was setting up, excited to show Sirius how he did it by himself for the first time. 

XxXxX

A crash of thunder reverberated through the house, causing eight year old Regulus to wrack with sobs again. Sirius patted his back, holding him close under the tent of blankets they had constructed in Sirius’ room.  
“Shhh, Reg. It’s alright. I’ll never let anything hurt you, I promise,” Sirius said earnestly. Reg was babbling incoherently, his fear of water mixing with the loud sounds to create a borderline anxiety attack.  
“Siri, Siri, I’m scared,” he said, sobs flowing down his face. “What am I gonna do in two years, when you go off to Hogwarts? Mummy and Daddy don’t like crying, they don’t at all…” he continued. Sirius reached for him again, holding his hand tightly.  
“Didn’t you hear what I said? I’ll never let anyone hurt you. You’re the person I love most, you know that right? I would never let Mum or Dad hit-”  
Sirius stopped suddenly, carefully watching his brother’s face to see if he had caught his slip up. Regulus, still a sobbing mess, hadn’t. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, running a hand through Reg’s hair and started the story he always did when Reg was crying. A big black dog named Snuffles, who would always protect them from the storms.

XxXxX

Hidden in the cupboard off the stairs, Regulus and Sirius were giggling like two little maniacs. The dungbombs hidden under Auntie Druella’s chair were set to go off at any moment. They were celebrating the last family dinner before Sirius went off to Hogwarts, and Sirius had promised Reg a fabulous goodbye prank.  
“Just think, Reg!” Sirius had said, eyes shining. “In a year, when you come to Hogwarts, I’ll introduce you to all our friends and we can do the most amazing pranks! With magic!” Regulus had looked up to his big brother with wide eyes, burning with admiration as a little brother does. Or perhaps, rather, as one does when presented with the enigma that was eleven year old Sirius Black.

Regulus had noticed that wherever the family went, people seemed to stop and stare at Sirius. He was as confident and suave as an eleven year old could possibly be, and this often took people by surprise. It also made it a hell of a lot easier to wreak havoc. Just as Regulus thought he was about to burst from excitement, a loud bang started through the room and a horrible stench started spreading from Auntie Druella. Regulus and Sirius were laughing so hard they were crying, rolling around on the floor. 

He could hear his mother shouting and screeching, apologizing for the boys and promising to discipline them. Reg looked up when he finally caught his breath to see Cissy putting on her cloak with a distinct sense of horror, and it set him off again. Once the sorry’s had been doled out and the floo had turned orange again, Walburga turned on her heel and clicked over to the boys.  
“Whose doing was this?” She asked coolly. Reg was about to open his mouth to confess when he caught the sharp glare of his brother’s eye.  
“Mine, mother,” Sirius said, tilting his chin up. “I thought it would be a funny way to start term. Reg had nothing to do with it, he just happened to be here as they went off.” Regulus, although grateful, couldn’t figure out for the life of him why Sirius was so blatantly lying for his sake. The worst thing his mother had ever done to him was make him stay up late writing lines. He could never understand the resigned and almost fearful look on Sirius’ face whenever he got in trouble, or why Sirius always took the blame whenever they did something a little more drastic. Walburga gave them a sweeping look as if to assess the statement.

“Regulus, is this true?” Reg chanced a look at Sirius, who gave a tiny, imperceptible nod, not even looking at him.  
“Yes, mother,” he said quietly, looking at the ground.  
“Very well. Go get ready for bed. Sirius, come with me.” She turned briskly, and Regulus saw a flash of that fear in Sirius’ eyes. When he saw him looking, Sirius plastered a smile onto his face.  
“Go on,” he said easily. “She’ll just lecture me a bit. Stay in bed. I’ll come say goodnight after.” Regulus nodded, and trudged up the stairs.

An hour later, Regulus was lying in bed, looking at the ceiling. It had been a long time, and he didn’t know why a talk to Sirius was taking this long. He slipped out of bed and into his slippers and padded down the hall to get some hot chocolate while he waited. As he passed the study, he heard a crisp sound, like a slap on a desk, and a gasp of pain. He could see a beam of light shining through the crack, and peeked inside. 

“Foul, insulting little thing!” Walburga was screeching. “Besmirching the good Black family name! It was bad enough when we had to deal with your silly prank antics, and how you’re defending mudbloods and blood traitors? After everything we’ve done for you? You are an ungrateful brat, Sirius. You think your father and I don’t know about your casual strolls into London? Into _muggle_ London?” Regulus watched with wide eyes. He had never heard his mother speak like this. Of course, it made sense if Sirius was consorting with blood traitors, right? They were the reason that society was bad. They were the reason that he and Sirius had to hide in this house. Right?

“It’s bullshit! It’s all bullshit!” Sirius was saying. “They’re the same as us! I’m in this bloody house my whole life under the impression the second I step outside I’m going to be burned at the stake, and instead they’re brilliant! They don’t notice I’m magic, they even have books about what they think magic is! They think it’s cool! You’re just hateful. I’m glad I’m going to Hogwarts so I can get away from all you cretans thinking like its the 1600s!” 

With this last flourish, Sirius spat on the ground in front of his mother. Quick as lightning, she turned her hand and hit him, rings up, across the face. Sirius stumbled from the blow, staggering into a chair. She approached him again, blood flowing from Sirius’ cheeks as she hit him again. Regulus covered his mouth, horrified and in shock. He should do something, right? That was his big brother. He needed to save him, right? He looked at his mother, at his brother again, and ran up to his room where he promptly threw up in the trash bin. He collapsed onto the floor, choking on breath, experiencing the first of many panic and anxiety attacks as a result of what really went on in his house.

XxXxX

Regulus was tossing his little toy quaffle up and down while he lay on his bed, listening to his parents muffled screaming. He sighed, rolling over to grab the parchment he had received earlier that day.

_Hey Reg,  
I’m sure you’ll be hearing about this sooner rather than later, as Cissy will no doubt hasten to tell our dear parents. I wanted you to hear it from me, though, because I know old mum and dad aren’t the most concise at the best of times. Well, here goes I guess. I got sorted into Gryffindor today. And I’m really happy about it. The hat told me I had a choice, said it could go either way, could be good in Slytherin like the rest of the family. But the difference was that in me, there was a choice. A choice to choose Gryffindor. I don’t regret it, Reg. I don’t understand what’s going on in the world, but the more I’ve thought it over the past few years, the less sense it made to me. Why hate someone for something they can’t control? Something as silly as magic? Why does it matter? Who gives a shit whether someone can float a feather or not? I don’t know, it just seems like a load of dung to me. The common room here is so nice, Reg. I wish you could see it. Red everywhere, tons of squashy arm chairs and a nice big couch by the fire. It’s always warm, even now at night, in my dorm. I already love my roommates. I miss you though. Loads. And I don’t know, I suppose I just don’t want you to listen to the crap they’re gonna spill about this. Remember I love you, alright? And please stay out of trouble. I know what you saw last night. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m ok. But I just really need you to be careful. I couldn’t bear if that was you. I’ve got to go, but remember to write! I’ll see you soon Reg.  
Love,  
Siri_

This must’ve been Regulus’ tenth time reading the letter. It had arrived in a tight scroll, and now already lay flat against the bed. He clutched it to his chest, staring at the ceiling again. It wasn’t that he was mad at Sirius, per se. He didn’t care if Sirius was in Gryffindor. But his parents did. Quite a lot actually, hence the shouting. What Regulus didn’t understand was why Sirius couldn’t just keep his mouth shut and do what his parents had said. 

Sure, Reg didn’t really see the big deal about muggle borns or half bloods, but his parents did. If it made his parents happy, he could pretend to care too. Why did it matter, at the end of the day? It’s not like it had an effect on him or Sirius. No, the reason that Regulus was most upset was because he knew there was no way he would be in Gryffindor. Regulus, in the house of the brave? The very idea was laughable. He hadn’t even had the guts to save his brother from his mother’s hand. He shoved the letter back on the table, thinking about how peculiar life was, and why people didn’t do what made others happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've made it thus far... hello!  
> -song lyrics are from Beautiful Boy by John Lennon.


	2. the change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief CW for mention of panic attacks and child abuse- nothing very intense, but wanted to put it out there

_Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door  
Hoping you'll come around  
Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor  
Maybe we'll work it out._

Regulus ran down the stairs, eagerly awaiting his brother’s arrival for the summer holidays. It had been a long year, one where the line between his parents’ beliefs and his own had started to blur. Day after day, he had been drilled in the dangers mudbloods posed to pureblood society, and his status as a member of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. Bit of a bore, really. However, it was something to keep him busy, and without Sirius around to amuse him, he needed the distraction. His mother had been doting, especially happy when Reg repeated the words about blood supremacy day in and day out. 

He had barely gotten into any trouble, and had nearly forgotten what he had seen on That Night. The way Sirius’ blood had flown from his cheeks like water. The way his mother had used the emerald ring she so prized to hit her first born hard enough to make him stumble. Like he said; he had almost forgotten. The doorhandle twisted, and Sirius walked through the door in all his glory. He had grown out his hair so that it was nearly down to his chin, and he had grown a good inch since Reg had seen him at Easter holidays. His mouth was open in what looked like a snarl, his grey eyes narrowed as he replied to something Orion was saying to him. When he saw Reg, the stress melted off his place and he gathered him into a hug.

“Reg! I missed you so much, I have so much to tell you! You’ll love Hogwarts so much, I can’t wait till you can go next year,” he said, eyes shining. Regulus smiled and ducked his head. Part of him had been nervous that with all of Sirius’ new friends at Hogwarts, he would forget him. 

“I missed you too,” he said. “I want you to tell me all about it! I can’t believe I have to wait a whole three months, but hearing about it from you will be the next best thing.” Sirius grinned, and started lugging his trunk up the dark stairs to his room. Regulus was about to follow when he felt a hand close around his shoulders.

“Regulus dear, you must be warned,” Walburga said slowly, watching Sirius. “Your brother… has strayed from the path. At that school, he has started to be friends with mudbloods and half bloods, and he refuses to see how wrong it is. I won’t have him poisoning your head with that.” Regulus turned to face his mother, slightly surprised that Sirius would do such a thing. Even though he had been sorted into Gryffindor, even if maybe he didn’t hate the mudbloods, he shouldn’t be friends with them. His mother had warned him of the inferiority of them, and how being around them too long would drain Regulus’ magic. He nodded at Walburga.

“I know, Mother,” he said. “I won’t listen to him. I just want to hear about the castle.” Walburga nodded curtly, releasing his shoulder and turning towards the salon. Regulus hurried up the stairs again to Sirius’ room to come across him unfurling a massive Gryffindor banner. He smiled as he looked up and saw his brother. Regulus plopped down on the bed, bouncing for a moment. 

“So…” he started. “Tell me everything!” Sirius’ smile doubled, and he left his task of the banner to sit next to his brother. 

“Reg, it’s literally incredible. Everything about it. The classes, the castle, the dorms, my common room, the food,” he animatedly, nearly knocking Regulus across the head with one of his grand gestures. “There’s feasts like, every month, and the plates are pure gold. The classes teach you to do the coolest things ever, and it turns out I’m actually really good at magic!” Regulus had to hold in a snort at this. Like Sirius had ever not been good at anything he had ever tried. “And my friends, they’re absolutely amazing…” he continued. “There’s James Potter, who is literally the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I’m convinced he’s our brother from another life. He has the most brilliant ideas for pranks, and is the best flier you’ve ever seen! He’ll definitely be on the quidditch team next year, only reason he wasn’t this year was because first years aren’t allowed.” Sirius made a face at this last statement, causing Regulus to laugh. 

“He sounds great, Sirius,” he said sincerely. “Are there any more?”

“Oh yeah,” said Sirius. “Two more in my dorm, these three are probably my best friends. After James, there’s Remus. Remus is… well, he’s a total fucking genius to start. He comes up with every single one of our best prank ideas, and has somehow fooled the teachers into thinking he’s a right little saint! It must be the jumpers he wears. Soooo many jumpers, Reg!” Regulus smiled at this, picturing Sirius’ bed filled with unwanted, puffy jumpers. “Then there’s Peter. He’s been James’ neighbor since he was little, and would go along with whatever he said. He’s so sweet though, always checking up on us and giving us sweets whenever we’re down. He’s a bit timid, but he really gets us, y’know?” Regulus nodded. 

“They sound amazing Sirius, honest. Do you think I’ll get to meet them?” Sirius bit his lip. 

“I want you to… but I don’t think until we go on the train together. Peter and Remus are half bloods you see, and the Potters are known for loving muggles. Dear old Mum and Dad wouldn’t be too keen on having them stay over. Regulus stared in shock for a moment.  
“So it’s true, what mother said? You’ve been consorting with dirty blood traitors and mud bloods?” Sirius’ eyes narrowed in shock and then anger, and he grabbed Regulus by the scruff of his neck. 

“Do _not_ say that word around me,” he hissed. “You have no idea what it means. I know it’s not been easy for you being brainwashed, but I won’t have you swallowing the hate Mother is shoving down your throat.” Regulus rubbed his neck as Sirius released him, scowling. 

“Look,” Regulus said after a moment. “I’m sorry I said that. _I_ don’t necessarily have a problem with anyone’s blood. How much does it matter, really? What I don’t understand is why you can’t keep your mouth shut and do what Mother wants. Wouldn’t that make it easier for you? Safer?” Sirius stared at Reg, looking as though he was assessing what he had said. 

“Regulus,” he sighed finally. “It doesn’t matter if it makes it easier for me. Something I learned from being in Gryffindor, that I think I’ve known for a while, is that there are things much more important than my relationship with our parents. Did you know there’s muggleborns out there being killed? Just for wanting to learn magic? I’m not going to sit back and let Mother and Father spew their hate when I know those are the results.” Regulus’ heart sank. He had heard the whispering, heard Bella speaking of the ‘cleanse’ that was occurring, but he didn’t necessarily want to believe it. Regulus was a generally peaceful person; he didn’t understand the need for hurting others, truth be told. Too unnecessary. Too unfair. Too cruel. He, however, was not the poster boy of independence. He was more of a follower, scared to do something if he knew it would hurt him. 

“I don’t want that to happen to them. I don’t understand why it matters. But I also think that if it’s a choice between you being beaten and you smiling and nodding, you should call them mudbloods and walk away!” He finished emphatically, looking at his brother, pleading him to understand. Sirius looked at him in disappointment and disgust, then turned back to his banner. 

“I love you Reg, but this is bigger than we are. I think we’re all going to have to choose a side. You can’t exist in the middle.” With that, Regulus recognized his dismissal, and quietly walked out the door and shut it. He walked back to his room and sank on his bed, terrified of violence, terrified of losing his brother, terrified of disobeying his parents, and terrified of causing others pain. 

XxXxX

Thus began The Change. The Rift. The First Summer of Many. Regulus couldn’t come up with a word for it. All he knew was that Sirius became more and more withdrawn, and dinners became more and more tense. Regulus started to notice bruises on his brother’s face, and tried to force himself to believe he had just tripped. Even as a 10 year old, he could tell that was bullshit. Any loud noise from the study could send Regulus into a panic attack, shaking over the toilet as he vomited over and over again, rocking back and forth on his feels and wishing it to go away. He had seen the changes in Sirius. He was even more defiant as he had been before he went to school. 

He lorded his friendships with the half bloods almost mockingly over his parents’ heads, often playing loud and distasteful music from his room. His accent was different, too; Regulus could tell he had been trying to get rid of the aristocratic accent he had been raised with. It also became evident that he was unwilling to cut his hair. The Blacks were all near clones of each other (probably due to the inbreeding, even Regulus could admit how fucked up that was), and Sirius seemed to be trying to do the only thing possible to differentiate himself from them. He had tacked up Gryffindor memorabilia to attempt to cover the muted green tones of his room, and he could tell his parents were most displeased by this. He showed up to dinner in casual clothes, stomping up the stairs whenever Walburga ordered him to change into something “more appropriate”. 

Regulus had no idea what on earth he was supposed to do. Walburga kept telling him to ignore everything his brother was saying, it was all twisted brainwashing, but Regulus couldn’t help but think what Sirius was saying made sense more often than not. _It’s not like I haven’t thought some of these things before, he reasoned with himself. How could I be brainwashed? I’ve lived hear my whole life._

The more Regulus talked to Sirius, the more everything he learned in the past year under the cruel eye of his parents seemed to unravel itself. The whole blood mania truly, logically, didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The muggles didn’t even realize they existed, and it must be fairly easy to walk around and not do magic in front of them. Regulus didn’t even have a wand, for Merlin’s sake! There was also no way a muggle would notice magic when they had all that-all that- _eccentricity_. It made no sense to Regulus, but he was fascinated by it and had once made Kreacher get him a book on it. In utmost secrecy, of course. However, whenever it came to his parents, he kept nodding along, like he had always done. He caught Sirius’ subtle glances of disgust for about a week before being hauled upstairs to his room.

“Regulus, what the fuck? You agree with me, you say you truly think the whole blood thing's dung, you understand what I say. Then you go at dinner to talk to mother and father like you fucking believe everything they’re saying! What is that about?” Regulus looked down for a moment, gathering his thoughts. 

“Sirius, I agree with you. I really do. But I don’t- I don’t want to get fucking hit every other night!” the curse word felt odd falling from his mouth, and he saw Sirius’ eyebrows raise.

“You say all of that, you tell them they’re wrong, and what does it get you? A bleeding cheek and a black eye! So no, excuse me if I don’t think that’s worth a silly little comment! You’re being stupid. You’re being reckless, a perfect Gryffindor! It’s not all crazy to have self preservation you know.” He saw Sirius’ cool, yet slightly hurt expression, and felt a bubble of shame in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to tell Sirius that he wished he could say what he thought, and he really did want to help. He just- couldn’t. Too scared. 

“Fine, then,” said Sirius softly. “I guess we’ve come to a bit of an impassé. But as I’ve said to you before, I’ve chosen my path. You’re not stupid, you know what’s going on. I hope that one day, you’ll be ready to join me.” So, for the second time that summer, Regulus left his brother's room with his head down, cursing the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're here, quick reminder you're beautiful and i love u. now go eat something and drink some water xx  
> -song lyrics are from Meet Me in the Hallway by Harry Styles.


	3. the flowers, the cobblestones, and the cypress wood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did actual research on wands for this chapter to choose Regulus' and Sirius' wands and had some fun breaking my own heart. Haha. Also, I wanted to note that in this story I made Reg one year younger than Sirius instead of two.

_Oh, I am just a kid  
I'm afraid of the dark  
But I'm obsessed with ideas  
One day I'll go far._

“Whoaaa...Siri, what’s that?” 

“That’s the bank Reg.”

“Great Merlin, what’s that? 

“Quality Quidditch Supplies. James never shuts up about it.” 

“Oh my god, and that?”

“Those are the loos, you moronic twatwaffle.”

Sirius and newly eleven-year-old Regulus were walking through Diagon Alley with their parents, buying first and second year school supplies. Regulus had never been before; his parents were always the sheltering type. Everything seemed to sparkle in his eyes, and he ignored the smirk Sirius gave him at his shocked reactions to quite literally everything. 

This was the first place full of magic he had ever been to that could be described as _happy_. The summer had gotten better as it went on, and Sirius seemed to lighten up on Regulus after a while. Granted, he wasn’t really doing all that much. Just sort of staying out of the blood supremacy rants his mother went on instead of joining in on them. He supposed Sirius saw it as baby steps. To be honest, Regulus was kind of surprised at himself that he had been able to stay out of it as much as he had. 

Much of this had to be attributed to Regulus’ new found _mode de vie_. He had figured out that after much trial and error, the easiest way to separate his own thoughts from his parents was to take a nice long walk around the park across from his house. This was something to be done secretly; his parents’ affections for their less troublesome son didn’t extend to allowing him to walk around muggle London. 

Regulus had discovered that there was actually quite a lot in the world that was beautiful. After living his entire ten years in a dark, dirty old house, one can imagine the shock this was to him. He had wandered around the park for near to four hours that first day, looking at the different plants and flowers, absolutely fascinated. Even though they were muggle plants, and quite boring ones at that, he couldn’t help but appreciate the colors and natural beauty of each individual thing. 

After this first escapade, he had spent a lot of his time squashed against his bedroom window, watching the park, and in turn, the people walking through it. He knew most of them were muggles, but he saw that they liked the plants just the same as him. They didn’t think any differently of them, in fact they stopped at the same ones Regulus had so loved. The more Regulus ventured back into the park, the longer he stared at the dandelions sticking up from the ground, the more he wondered. 

One kindly muggle woman even waved at him one time while he was there. Regulus started to think as the days went on that perhaps muggles weren’t so different from him after all. Rather than tolerating Sirius’ tirades of the injustices of blood supremacy, Regulus found himself subconsciously agreeing. It was an exhausting and confusing line of thinking, especially when the words of his parents came back to haunt him all the time. However, Regulus was starting to differentiate between the words in his mind spoken by Walburga’s sharp tongue from his own, more softly spoken and gentle conscience. 

As they all walked along together, his father suggested that the boys spend some quality time together by getting Regulus’ wand while he and his mother went off to get the rest of their school supplies. Regulus and Sirius looked at each other, nodding eagerly, before the family split up. 

“Are you excited, Reg? This is your wand, it’s literally going to choose you, and you’ll be able to do real magic!” Sirius looked almost as excited as Regulus felt, and he beamed at his big brother as they made their way down the sunny street. 

“It’ll be wicked to finally have one. I’ve gotten to the point where I can feel when I’m having a particularly strong burst of magic, it seems almost tangible in the air. This way, I’ll be able to actually channel some of that.” Sirius nodded appreciatively as they approached the shop. 

“I know what you mean. Magic is definitely more powerful when your emotions get stronger, I’ve already experienced that at school.” Regulus looked up to the peeling letters over the shop, entranced. 

_Ollivander’s_ it said simply, in gold lettering that was starting to peel. It was small and unassuming, with a minimal window displaying a singular wand on a velvet pillow. The magic in the store was buzzing softly, like a million possibilities waiting to happened. It felt safe but strong, it felt right, it felt happy. He followed Sirius through the door, pausing at the front desk and meeting the watery grey eyes and wild gray hair of the man he assumed to be Mr. Ollivander. He smiled benignly at the boys as they walked in and Sirius tipped his head in inclination. 

“Mr. Ollivander, hello! Pleasure to meet you again sir, this is my brother Regulus.” As Ollivander turned his eyes on Regulus, he smiled shyly. 

“Pleasure to meet you, sir.” 

“A pleasure to have you both in my store,” Ollivander started. His voice was slow and wobbly, but still managed to sound like it was sure of everything it said. He turned back to Sirius again, narrowing his eyes slightly.  
“Mr. Black… cedar wood, dragon heartstring… 12 inches, rigid… powerful, loyal, reckless and protective Yes. I remember.” Regulus looked up, slightly unnerved, as Sirius continued smiling politely. 

“Exactly right, sir! What a memory you have.” He clapped a hand on Regulus’ shoulder, bringing him closer to the desk Ollivander was standing at. Ollivander studied him for a moment, then came back with a wand in a box. 

“Mahogany wood, with dragon heartstring like your brother. Give it a wave.” Regulus took it tentatively, and almost cringed as the magic seemed to seep into his hand. Ollivander snatched it away in a moment, muttering under his breath. 

He looked at Regulus another moment, coming back with another wand. “Unicorn hair and chestnut wood. Just pick it up a moment, no need to wave.” Regulus picked up the wand again, this one feeling slightly better than the last. Ollivander took this one too, and disappeared farther into the shop, lost in thought. 

“Is this..normal? Should I be concerned the first two didn’t fit me?” he asked Sirius, slightly nervous now. Sirius waved a hand dismissively. 

“Nah, not at all. I’ve heard there’s people who have had to try dozens and dozens of wands. It’s just a matter of finding the right combination.” Regulus nodded as Ollivander came back to the front of the room, carrying a different box. 

“I have a feeling about this one,” he said softly, looking down at Regulus with a look in his eye that seemed far away and almost apologetic. “Take it.” Regulus picked up the third wand, feeling a warmth burst through his chest as he waved it, creating a stream of light pink flowers that slowly floated to the ground. He looked at them in awe; they were the flowers he loved most from the park back home. 

“It feels… it feels great,” he said, beaming up at Ollivander. The older man gave him a soft smile in return. 

“13 inches, with yielding flexibility. Cypress wood and a unicorn hair core…” Regulus looked down at it again, before Ollivander cleared his throat before he spoke again. “Mr. Black, you should know, about your wand. Unicorn hair cores are the hardest to turn to the dark arts. They are drawn to those with kindness in their hearts, and they are quite loyal to the witch or wizard they choose.” 

Regulus’ eyes darted to Sirius at this. Neither of them were fools, they knew their parents practiced dark magic. The fact that Regulus’ wand was made of this core sent a burst of pride through his heart, and he saw the same thing reflected on his brothers faith. “Cypress wood… this is a delicate one. They are associated with nobility. Owners of the cypress wand have often been known to… lay down their lives for others, dying an early, heroic death…” Ollivander’s voice trailed off at this, and Regulus wasn’t quite as chuffed with this explanation. 

Sure, it sounded good to be self sacrificing and all, but he wasn’t sure he was looking to die before he was nineteen. “Of course, in these times, it is less cut and dried than that… do not be scared, Mr. Black.” For the first time in a while, Ollivander’s eyes met Regulus’. “Do not be scared,” he repeated. “For this means nothing. Just know… that your wand believes you would sacrifice your own life for the safety of others. It believes that you would do what is right, even if that choice is hard.” Very much unnerved, Regulus nodded slowly, pulling galleons out of the sack he had been given at the house. He and Sirius left the shop after thanking Ollivander, walking in silence for a moment before turning to each other. 

“Reg, I know that speech was scary, but that part about you dying? That was bullocks. That wand chose you because you are _good_ and you would fight for what’s right. That should tell you everything you need to know. I’m proud of you, Reg. Truly.” Sirius’ face held an expression of such sincerity that Regulus felt the same flush of pride that he had back in the shop. 

“Thanks, Siri. It feels so right. The magic feels gentle, but powerful, and safe and right. I’m not interested in making this wand do bad things. I’m actually quite pleased with it.” Regulus hadn’t told Sirius about his inner turmoils about his own ideas and his parents’, but he decided now was the time. 

“Recently, I’ve been doing loads of thinking,” he said slowly. “I’ve been taking lots of walks, trying to get away from Mum and Dad for a bit. What you said a while ago, about them shoving hatred down my throat… I don’t know, it just stuck with me. I’ve sort of realized that my own voice inside disagrees with them. At first, it was hard to differentiate the two… I’ve been around them for quite a while, with not even you to knock some sense into me for the past year. Once I sorted through that, I realized that maybe I don’t just not care what people’s blood means, but I think that Mum and Dad have the wrong idea. I’ve been going to this park, and I see muggles there, and they just look at the different plants and flowers with the same sense of awe as I do. They appreciate its beauty, and I dunno, but I thought if we think the same about those things, why not other things?” He ran a hand through his hair, starting to pace back and forth on the cobblestones, talking faster now. “I don’t understand why it _matters_. So what we have this world, and maybe we can’t do magic around muggles. Does that mean we’re better than them? Does that mean we can’t interact with them? And if a wand chooses a muggleborn, who cares? The wand chooses the wizard, we’ve all heard that Merlin knows how many times. It just all seems like a load of bull the more I think about it.” After finishing this confession, he finally looked up to see Sirius, his eyes full of what looked alarmingly like tears. 

“Come here, you bastard,” he said gruffly, pulling Regulus into an embrace. “Please don’t forget that. Now, or ever. I know it’s all new and confusing, but you know what’s true now. I’m so fucking proud of you.” Sirius released him, and Regulus felt a bit like he might cry from all the emotions swirling around inside him. He saw his parents emerging out of Madame Malkin’s, and Sirius threw an arm around his shoulder as they walked across the street. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i want a little crescent moon and star tattoo
> 
> -song lyrics from Kids by Current Joys.


	4. the mind of regulus black

_Oh my, my darlin'  
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong  
No, no, no, no  
Keep your mind set in your ways  
Keep your heart strong.  
_

Regulus stared, open jawed, at the castle that stood in front of him. It seemed to be rising straight up from the lake he was currently crossing in a boat, illuminated by the dozens of lanterns the students held at the front of each boat.

It was better than his parents, or Sirius, had ever even described. He looked at it, and instantly felt an overwhelming sense of safety, and home. Grimmauld wasn’t really the picture of coziness, yet this castle, in all its grandeur, seemed to invite Regulus with open arms. He glanced around his boat, which included a pale small boy with straw-colored hair, a black girl with beautiful braids in her hair, and another girl with tan skin and dark brown hair. He could hear the girls talking, and they introduced themselves as Mary and Alexis. 

Tearing his eyes away from the castle standing in front of him, he turned to the boy beside him. He stuck out his hand to shake.

“Hello there,” he said, pureblood courtesy ingrained in him.

“Hiya,” the boy said cheerfully, and a lot less formally. He took Regulus’ hand.

“I’m Bartemius Crouch, but I hate my name. You can call me Barty.” Regulus smiled slightly at his unabashed eagerness. He had noticed that about a lot of the other kids since being on the train; they were much more carefree than the Most Noble House of Black allowed Regulus to be. Even his brother’s friends on the train had seemed relaxed. He had decided to sit with them on the train after very little coaxing from Sirius, and they had been exactly the same as Sirius had described. 

Sirius seemed to fit perfectly within their little quartet. Regulus had been taken aback the first time he met James, who was easily one of the most exuberant people Regulus had ever come across. James’ bond with Sirius seemed to be the strongest out of the four, unless that was the simply the appearance they gave. They were definitely the rowdiest of the four. Remus Lupin was a bit calmer, with the most sarcastic humor Regulus had ever heard. None of what he said was truly cruel though, simply clever, and Regulus noticed how Sirius cracked up at everything that came out of the boy’s mouth.

Peter Pettigrew seemed a bit less clever, bookwise, than the other three, but was terribly kind, and it was easy to tell he was the most empathetic out of the four. He took the greatest care in making sure Regulus was included in the groups’ discussions on the train ride to Scotland. Regulus could see a similar look to Peter’s in Barty’s eyes, so he took this as a good sign.

“Regulus Black,” he said. “Usually I don’t much fancy nicknames, but if you like you can call me Reg.” Barty’s mouth split into a grin, and he seemed even more relaxed now that introductions had been given.

“Brill,” he said, looking at the castle again. “Isn’t it amazing? This has got to be the coolest place I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m a bit nervous about where to be sorted. My dad wants me to be in Ravenclaw, like he was, but I really don’t think I’ve got the mental capacity for that, y’know? All the houses seem alright though, they’ve each got something pretty cool to them. Slytherin seems ace.” Regulus nodded along to Barty’s rambling, perking up when he heard ‘Slytherin’. 

“Yeah, my family’s been in Slytherin as far back as anyone cares to trace. The only person who hasn’t is my brother, Sirius. Most stereotypical Gryffindor you can think of! I’m a bit worried he’ll be mad if I go to Slytherin, but that seems the most likely. The last year was hard without him, but we’ve reconnected so much over the summer. I’d hate for that to go to waste.” Barty looked at him with a reassuring sort of expression.

“It’ll be alright, no matter where you go,” he said placatingly. “If your brother and you are as close as you say, he won’t care a bit where you go.” Regulus shrugged, hoping Barty was right. His conversation with Sirius in Diagon Alley had opened his eyes quite a bit, and he knew firsthand what Slytherin House’s views tended to be. He didn’t want to be washed up in all that, and he made a promise to himself that no matter what happened in the Great Hall, he wouldn’t allow himself to be. The boats shuddered to a stop in front of great stone steps, and Regulus climbed out with trepidation.

XxXxX 

Regulus actually thought he might faint when he entered the Great Hall. He was surrounded by more gold than he had ever been in his life, and the night sky above him looked to the exact same one he had been under a few minutes ago. There was a roar of noise throughout the hall as hundreds of teenage witches and wizards caught up after a two month summer break. 

He craned his neck over the crowd of first years, trying to spot Sirius at the Gryffindor table. He saw Sirius doing the exact same thing over the Gryffindors, and gave him an enthusiastic wave. Regulus smiled brightly in return. He saw Sirius mouth something, but cocked his head in confusion. Sirius said it again, slower. _Whatever happens, it’s alright. I love you_. Regulus felt a rush of relief. He knew Slytherin was the most likely option for him, and it lifted a great weight off his shoulders knowing that Sirius didn’t mind. He mouthed a quick _I love you_ before turning back to face the front of the hall.

The woman who had introduced herself as Professor McGonagall was now carrying a tattered hat to a wobbly stool stood up in front of the house tables. _The sorting hat_ , Regulus realized. He had heard the whispers of the dragon battles students thought they would have to endure before being sorted, and he thought they must be feeling quite stupid at the moment. The hat suddenly opened its mouth and began to sing about the different characteristics of each house. 

Regulus started to tune out, looking around at the different house tables, seeing what he might have to work with. The Gryffindors looked like quite the rowdy bunch, although they were all staring intently at the hat at the moment. Most of them were sat in clusters, friend groups all on top of each other, and mostly grinning faces.

The Ravenclaws looked very sophisticated, and Regulus was instantly intimidated. They looked friendly, all sat together and smiling, but there was an almost palpable sense of knowledge. It wasn’t even that they looked nerdy, or book smart; they looked like the sort of people you would want on your side if you were robbing a bank. 

The Hufflepuffs looked more similar to the Gryffindors, the only difference seemed to be that the entire table seemed to be a group; there were no visible separations of friend groups. There were plenty of smiles there as well, both sweet ones and others that could only be described as wicked. There were two redheads that stuck out in particular at the table to Regulus. They were tall and looked similar, seventh years by the looks of it. They had a smattering of freckles across their face, and Regulus felt his stomach drop at the sight of them for a reason he couldn’t quite name.

He then turned to the Slytherin table. They looked imperial. Commanding. Professional. They all sat with their backs straight, mouths in a hard line and staring at the hat intently. There were very clear separations along the table, and Regulus got the overwhelming sense that there was a hierarchy there. Nonetheless, the feeling that most exuded from the table was power. Regulus could instantly tell that not only was everyone at that table able to wield power, but that they had a hunger for it. It wasn’t a sense of good power, or bad power. Just raw and almost uncontrollable.

The entire hall burst into applause as that hat shut its mouth again, and although completely lost, Regulus joined in. Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and looked down at the parchment in her hands.

“Adly, Rachel!” A girl with brown hair walked out of the crowd of first years. Although the nerves were visible on her face, she walked steadily and with purpose, and Regulus decided to model his behavior after hers when his name was called. McGonagall plopped the hat onto her head, and she gripped the sides of the stool. Her facial expressions changed a bit, and Regulus assumed she was talking nonverbally with the hat. After about 45 seconds of deliberation, the hat opened its mouth. 

“HUFFLEPUFF!” It roared as the table full of black and yellow exploded in cheers. The girl grinned widely, stepping down and rushing over to the table. After about five other students were sorted, “Black, Regulus” sounded throughout the hall. 

Regulus took a deep breath and stepped out of the crowd, focusing on putting his feet in front of each other and absolutely not stumbling. He made it to the stool and looked up at Professor McGonagall, giving her a small smile. She nodded curtly, but not at all unkindly, before the hat was placed onto Regulus’ head and darkness fell over his eyes.

“Ahhh, another Black,” a quiet voice said into his ear. Regulus decided it was too complicated to simply think, so he opened his mouth and spoke very quietly. 

“Er… Hello?” He said uncertainly. The hat laughed softly. 

“You Blacks have surprised me recently, you know. Your bother? Total firecracker. Quite scary, really. Textbook Gryffindor.” Regulus thought of Sirius fondly, and a smile automatically bloomed on his face. 

“He’s amazing,” Regulus told the hat quietly. “Helped me figure out my priorities a little back, but I don’t really think I’m as brave as he is. I don’t even know if I want to be in Gryffindor. I want to be with him, but I’m not sure if I would fit in there.” 

“Well, at the end of the day it’s your choice, you know,” the hat said. “Everyone thinks the sorting is something so out of their control, but it’s your own choices that make you who you are. Not your innate abilities.” Regulus pondered this for a second. 

“I suppose I agree with that,” he said. “But I don’t really mind where I go. All of the houses seem pretty alright. I’m not sure why everyone makes such a big deal of it.” Regulus had compare his family's hyper fixation on Slytherin with the rest of the houses, and really didn't understand it at all. It was simply a division among children until they were barely of age. What on earth did it matter, really?

“Yes, well,” the hat sounded amused. “You’re one of the only ones I’ve ever heard say that, and it’s a good thing. Now, in terms of where _I_ think you should go…” The hat was silent for a moment, and Regulus assumed it was shifting through his thoughts. 

“Ah,” it said after a moment. “Well, I think I know what must be done.” The hat was now speaking in a tone that could only be described as sad, and Regulus felt both nervous and confused. 

“Is something… wrong? Did I do something bad?” 

“No, no…” The hat continued, the tone a bit more cheerful now. “It’s just very, very clear who you are, even if you yourself are not quite sure yet. Regulus Black, if it was completely up to what you are, I would put you in Hufflepuff. Your courage, your sense of right and wrong, yet with an aversion to violence… it just makes sense. However, you are quite ambitious... resourceful... and due to other outside factors…” Regulus barely had time to take in what had just been said and ponder what on earth "outside factors" were before a resounding “SLYTHERIN!” sounded throughout the hall. He felt the hat being pulled from his head, and looked uncertainly up at McGonagall. He wasn’t sure if his confusion showed on his face, because her expression seemed to soften. 

“Up you get, dear,” she said, giving him a gentle push towards the table full of silver and green ties. Regulus felt a sense of warmth radiating off of her, despite her strict reputation he had heard of from his brother and cousins. Regaining his composure, and knowing exactly the sort of dynamic he was about to enter, he drew his face together and did his best to saunter off to the Slytherin table. Once there, he shook hands with a delighted Narcissa and sat next to a second year who introduced himself as Evan Rosier.

After giving a polite hello, Regulus immediately looked to the Gryffindor table and saw Sirius staring at him. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Sirius shook his head before he could. _It’s alright_ , Sirius mouthed. _I meant what I said. I’m proud of you_. Regulus smiled, but even across the room could see that Sirius’ eyes were glassy. He felt guilt swirl up in his stomach, and promised himself he would tell his brother what the hat said as soon as he could. He smiled softly at Sirius. _I love you. Talk later? Want to try and make friends_ , he said, nodding his head at the people around him. Sirius nodded and gave him a soft smile before turning back to his own friends. Regulus saw Remus Lupin take Sirius’ hand and squeeze it before murmuring something in his ear.

Regulus turned back to his own table, praying the damn hat knew what it was doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok YES Reg definitely had the bravery to be a Gryffindor, but of the very very little information we got in canon, and the way he is in this story, I think his second house would be Hufflepuff. To me he always seemed a bit more peaceful than Sirius, and less headstrong. Also writing this story is literally breaking me knowing what's coming for him. But thank you guys so much for reading! It means the world to me.  
> -song lyrics are from Keep Your head Up by Ben Howard.


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